Swa cwæð eardstapa

So spoke the wanderer

Ye olde English...isn't it cool?...or pretentious, whatever. LOL

Anyway, I am still alive. If you were worried of course... :)

So, what's new with me?

I've gone through quite a 'thing' recently.  Before I went AWOL I was not in a great place church-wise.  In fact until quite recently I just felt sort of dead, numb...you know...not very spiritual.  I felt cynical about anything church/Christian related. Worship music? Just so annoying.  Bible? Couldn't read it. Prayer? Very little.  Preaching? Made me panic.

No, not in a great place.  In fact I even asked God - am I losing my faith? Is this what it's like?

But I just could not give up Jesus.  I know He's real. I know He's alive. I know that He is AWESOME.  I did acrobatics with my mind, but whichever way I looked Jesus was in my life.

No, every time I analysed my feelings my conviction about Jesus was still there.

I was so confused though.

Sitting in a Women's meeting at church listening to a lovely lady speak I suddenly had my epiphany.  I am not losing my faith, God is stripping away all the dross.  All the rubbish I had been fed since being a child.  All the twisting of scripture.  All the misrepresentation of God.  All the lies about what a 'real' church is.  The setting up of the pastor as mediator between me and God.

It all had to go.

I had to be emptied in a way. Cleansed.

I cried that night when I realised this.  Cried with relief.  God hadn't given up on me.

Jesus had to be my absolute cornerstone.  God had to take away the shaky foundation.  He can't build on sand.  It all needed stripping away until all that was left was Christ.  My Saviour.  The reason for my faith.  The reason I live.  He had to be my everything.

All of that old church tradition, religion, legalism, burden, chains, cage, gossip, criticism, idolisation of a man, lies, mixed up theology.  It all had to go.

Even then though, I didn't feel any great 'spiritual awakening' until the following Sunday.  People were invited up after the preaching for prayer.  I went up ostensibly to ask for prayer about fear.  I've always been anxious and I can see it rubbing off on my two lovely girlies.  Two people prayed with me and I was so moved by their words.  They prayed that my fears would go, but what they also said spoke so deeply to me.

They are precious words that I don't want to share on my public blog, but from that moment it was as if my Bible was reopened to my eyes and my prayer-life is back.  The zest has returned.

I still have scars to heal, I have lots to learn, but the last brick of my jail-cell was taken away and I am now free.

My desire now, my passion, is that others will be free too.

[L]et us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

~Hebrews 12: 1b-2a

[NOTE: If you're new here, my family and I recently left a cult-like church...that is where the re-processing of my faith stems from.]