Transition

Our church joined in with a multi-church meeting on Sunday morning.  It was good to see so many Christians together, some many different denominations joined by their corporate love for Jesus. But as I've said recently, I'm not coping well with church.

Someone spoke before we took communion, she talked too long for me, I was lost in the multitude of words. One thing caught me though, I couldn't hear anything else.  I just kept repeating it in my mind, like a mantra to stop me falling into a panic again.

"He was broken so we could be made whole".

"Lord I want to be whole".

Afterwards, wanting a bit of space, I decided to go to the loo.  Squidge wanted to come with me. When we came down again though it was chaos.  All the children were going off to different meeting rooms.

"Primary school age?" I was asked.

"Yes".

"Come with me so that Mummy doesn't have to climb those stairs", said one man to Squidge.

This tips me over the edge. *Panic* I don't know this man.

So I smile and ask Squidge if she's OK, but go with her to the children's meeting room. *Relief* I know some of the children there, Squidge will be fine.

Of course, by the time I get back downstairs to the main meeting I want to run away, but I go back in and find G again.  The preacher talks for a long time.  Something about holiness, something about church unity, something about something.  I can't hear it though, because I'm too much in my head trying to hold it together until he finishes.

Straight afterwards I want to go.  I've got to get out.

"Lord, I can't do this anymore, I can't do church anymore".

We came home and I went and hid in our bedroom and wept.  Why am I like this?  My old church has damaged me so deeply.  I want to rage at them. I want to tell them the pain they've caused me and so so many others.  I want them to understand that people need Jesus, not rules, not following a leader, Jesus!

I can only cope with Jesus right now. Nothing else.

~I am accepted in the Beloved~

Then I read something at (in)courage that has moved me so much, it was like it was written for me right where I am.  I could hear God's quiet voice through the writing..."I am with you."

~ The Middle: When Pushing Through Brings Joy. by Stephanie Bryant~

"Most of us prefer being shot out of our starting blocks for a new adventure. Or rounding the corner to see the finish line with high fives from close friends. It’s the moment we wait for. At the finish we know that the sweat, the mind games, the times we thought it would never happen were well worth it. We finally hear well done.

The middle is the part most us don’t want to talk about. It’s not glamorous. It’s hard.
The middle is the reason most don’t finish.
But the middle is the secret to the joy that seems to elude us.
This is where love is born. . . right in the middle."

Stephanie Bryant then compares this to transition in labour:

The contractions and first stage of labor can last a few hours to almost a day. Then there is a time of transition to second stage. The transition is where most women want to give up. They say ‘It’s too hard. I don’t want to do this. It hurts too bad.’  Crying, emotional meltdowns and even confusion can occur.

I remember transition in both my labours.  You do feel that panic, that confusion - you want to give up.  But when the baby is born...such inexpressible joy.  Such peace floods your soul when that little one is placed in your arms.

~I'm in transition.~

Leaving that church last year was painful, but I felt anticipation.  Anticipation for the path that the Lord had set before me.  I could see it ahead.  A little like a mother knowing that she is expecting but there is no obvious physical evidence that she is pregnant, but knowing that there is something amazing to look forward to.  I've had my ups and downs throughout, but right now I feel I can't do it anymore.

~I'm in transition.  Joy is within reach.~

My scars run so deep.  So much deeper than I thought they did.  God has taken away so much rubbish.  Shown me the lies I was taught.  Each layer peeled back revealed more nonsense, more bad teaching that needed to be undone.  Until there is almost nothing left, and I am exposed, I feel bereft.  I feel like a institutionalised prisoner who has suddenly been given freedom and he's terrified.  He hated prison, but it was the known and now he's out in a world that is so changed and he feels lost.

~I'm in transition.  Joy is around the corner.  Just start pushing.~

I must press on.  I might suffer through it.  But suffering can be good.  It makes you understand.

~Just keeping on pushing~

I'm in transition.  It's not forever.  I can do it because He is with me.  "...a man of suffering, and familiar with pain".  No one has ever suffered like Him.  Jesus is with me.  Jesus is with you.

~Immanuel~

God with us.

Good morning.

It's ten past eleven and I'm still in my jammies. It's lovely.  The girls are playing Mario Kart on the Wii. In a bit we're going to go out for the day, to where I'm not sure.

It's been half-term here.  We've had a nice week.  As you know I've been struggling with things and it's been an effort to motivate myself.  But once I'm out and about I feel much better.  It's just when I'm home all I want to do is go to bed.  My doctor said that leaving my church is like a grieving process, leaving the friends and community I once knew - particularly as we are essentially shunned now (there are very few who have stayed in contact - funny how 'love' can go so quickly).  If it is a grieving process I think I'm going through 'depression' stage, the next stage is 'acceptance' and I'm not sure I what that would mean in my situation.

It's more than a grieving process though.  I was so enmeshed in the philosophy of the church, I had put the Pastor up there on a pedestal, I thought it was the ONLY church in the world worth going to.  When we left all these props had gone, after a while I had a terror that it was all fake.  Everything is a lie.  I remember curling up in a ball in the bathroom and weeping because I had put the Pastor in the position of God.  I had made him my mediator and not Jesus.

But Jesus has never left me, I know that my repentance is real, I can move on now.

I started to go through a Bible study written by someone with a very strict set of beliefs about what the Bible teaches. I wanted to follow God's rules, not someone else's. I figured if it was totally scripturally based then the opinions of the man wouldn't sully the teaching. I suppose it was a reaction against all the times I heard, "God has told me XYZ and you must follow it" and the church was controlled by it, controlled by another man's relationship with God, controlled by another man's vision, it was almost like second hand faith...Brennan Manning describes it well in his book The Ragamuffin Gospel:

"We must never allow the authority of books, institutions, or leaders to replace the authority of knowing Jesus Christ personally and directly.  When the religious views of others interpose between us and the primary experience of Jesus as the Christ, we become unconvicted and unpersuasive travel agents handing out brochures to places we have never visited".

But I soon realised that this Bible study [I'd started hoping to counteract (to unlearn if you will) what I'd learned under a man] was a man's interpretation of the Bible.  And boy was he into rules, he made up rules that weren't even in the Bible. He took Biblical teaching and extrapolated it to include things that aren't actually mentioned, or even suggested, in the text. It was a study full of fear not freedom in Christ. It was a bit like the gezeirah of Judaism:

"A gezeirah is a law instituted by the rabbis to prevent people from accidentally violating a Torah mitzvah. We commonly speak of a gezeirah as a "fence" around the Torah. For example, the Torah commands us not to work on Shabbat, but a gezeirah commands us not to even handle an implement that you would use to perform prohibited work (such as a pencil, money, a hammer), because someone holding the implement might forget that it was Shabbat and perform prohibited work. The word is derived from the root Gimel-Zayin-Reish, meaning to cut off or to separate." From Judaism 101.

I don't want to put up fences.  I want to boldly approach the throne of God, knowing that I am safe under the covering of Jesus, not rules.

Anyway, I've totally gone off at a tangent with this post!  LOL.

So, it's snowing now, which may mean our day out needs to be nearer home that we planned.

Hope you have a great day.

Here's a few pics from a recent walk:

Looks a bit ethereal with the sunlight coming through the trees

Aww, Chatterbox

Beef lasagne...haha (if you're British you'll get that)

Come on Squidge! Leave horsey alone we need to go!  "Awwww"

 Have a super day! xx

p.s. BLOOMIN' spam!  I don't want to put comment moderation on at the minute and as for word verification it's a nightmare! Perhaps if I stop anonymous comments? I dunno.

Blackcurrant Juice?

As you know we left our church recently.  This has been such a traumatic but very eye-opening event and I'd like to be able to somehow put into words some of what I have been feeling and learning.  But I'm not sure I have the brain-power to do that right now.

At the moment we've been visiting a different church each Sunday.

We've visited two local community churches, both with real community spirit and lots going on.   They were both lovely and very friendly.  We've also visited a local Pentecostal church which was fun, but they are an Assemblies of God church which state that the baptism of the Holy Spirit is always evidenced by tongues...I've never spoken in tongues, so I suppose that leaves me out of the picture! :)  Anyway, it's a church that some friends and family attend, the people there are lovely, but I'm not sure it's the church for us.  We can always visit.

This Sunday we are attending our local Anglican church.  This is more for me than Hubs as I really struggle with blackcurrant juice in little cups and bread for communion that we have seen in the other churches. I long for a proper communion (Eucharist) (our old church was Anglican until the Pastor retired and our communion was very similar to a low-Anglican type communion).  The local Anglican church, which we will visit, says it is 'liberal catholic' in style - I'm not sure what that means, but I know they have incense.

What is it with the blackcurrant juice anyway?  I realise the reasoning of having non-alcoholic drinks for communion so that alcoholics can join in, but why blackcurrant juice?  Surely grape-juice would be better or non-alcoholic wine?

I suppose it all depends on your view of the Eucharist/communion and what it all means.  I have always believed in Real Presence, for me communion is more than mere intellectual remembrance, there is something so special about it. I feel a bit icky when it isn't treated reverently...and when there is blackcurrant juice! :)

Maybe I'm being fussy.  I don't know, it's all a big learning curve for me.  And if the family decides they like a church that has blackcurrant juice in tiny cups for communion, then I can always moon-light at the local Anglican every so often.

Crises

Storm at Sea, Flickr

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."
~Louisa May Alcott

Crises come.  The storms rage.  Such is life.  All part of living in a fallen world.  But God is the light that shines in the darkness, like a lighthouse.  He allows us charge of our own ships - he never forces his ways upon us - but he guides us, not by domination but by love.  Like the Eastern shepherd he leads and his sheep follow, he never drives like the Western shepherd, with frightened sheep running.

The reason I write these things is because I want to reassure myself that God isn't like a dominating authoritarian figure that demands obedience and threatens rejection, but instead draws us in love.

I'm a bit tender right now.  We left our church at the beginning of last week.  I've been there since I was four.

Some very painful things have happened.

If my posts seem a bit weebly (is that a word? if it isn't it should be), you may now understand why.

I wanted to delete loads of posts.  Everything that smacked of indoctrination and which I felt didn't show the real Jesus I wanted to delete.  But I'm a bit raw and might have got carried away, so I stopped.

You'll be patient whilst I make this adjustment won't you?

New Year's Resolutions

Reads: May Your Troubles Last as Long as Your New Year's Resolutions
Allposters

So it's that time of the year, when I think to myself, "New Year, clean slate". These are my general resolutions - or in my case New Year 'hope to achieve but no doubt will slip up a gazillion times'. My main hopes n' dreams are mostly to do with growing closer to God, but if I'm being specific I'd say, prayer-life and Bible study/reading. I also want to read more (for me and the girls), exercise more and eat healthier, do something special with the kiddiwinks at least once a month. Nothing earth shattering there - and rah rah rah heard it all before, but we all need a dream don't we? :)

Prayer-life
With regard to my prayer-life that is just a case of making time and trying to set aside the first part of the day and leaning on God more throughout the day.

Bible Study/Reading plan
For Bible study, this year I plan to read through the Bible using the Anglican Book of Common Prayer's reading plan because it reads through the Old Testament once and the New twice. It also reads through all the Psalms each month. I thought it was a good plan to follow.

If you're interested:

Bible readings for each day of the month can be found here. It's listed as Morning and Evening, but as I am doing it in my own time I'll just read the lessons for the day.

Special readings for Sundays and Holy Days (Christmas, Easter, etc) can be found here.

The order for Psalms for daily reading can be found here.

Of course some days it will be too much, so I'm going to endeavour not to make it a ENORMOUS issue if I miss a chapter on the 'correct' day. I know me, I'll get stressed out if I don't do it all, then get disenchanted with the whole idea. For example, the Psalms - it would be lovely to read through all the Psalms every month, but realistically it is likely not to be done every month.

Also, you might note, the Church of England does use the Apocrypha for some lessons (here is the view given by the CofE in their 39 articles on the Apocryphal books: "And the other Books (as Hierome saith) the Church doth read for example of life and instruction of manners; but yet doth it not apply them to establish any doctrine"). My personal view of the Apocrypha is...well...I have no idea really. Some denominations say it's canon, some say it's useful but not canon and some reject it entirely. But it'll be interesting to read the snippets that the reading plan involves.

If you're wondering why the Book of Common Prayer, for those of you who don't know, I am not CofE although I used to be:

I was baptised as an infant Moravian
I was raised CofE and confirmed CofE
Was 'born-again' in a Venetian Roman Catholic chapel (it's a long story)
Was baptised as an adult in a non-denominational church

So I'm quite a smorgasbord Christian. Lol. Although I must say I have been a member of the same church (as in body of people) since I was 4. We used to be CofE but separated in 2001 - also a long story. I have a deep affection for the Anglican church and its liturgy, which is why I mention Anglican stuff on occasion.

Phew, I do rather over-explain things don't I! Are you bovvered? ;)

Books (for me and the girls)
I do want to read more books...but time doesn't always permit does it? I'm in the middle of a rather weighty tome entitled The Stripping of the Altars, I want to read more historical books, and some more Elizabeth Goudge because I LOVED The Herb of Grace that Dulce Domum lent me. I also plan to read Slow March Through Hell - which is written by a soldier (Douglas Swift) that served in my Granddad's regiment, they were prisoners of war and had to march across Europe. My Granddad doesn't remember Mr Swift, but my Granddad endured that awful march across Europe:

The gripping and harrowing personal account of a young Eastbourne Corporation gardener’s forced march through eastern Europe as a POW while his Nazi captors fled the Russian advance during the harsh winter of 1945.

Douglas Swift, of the Royal Sussex Regiment, was captured near Amiens in 1940.

He and his scandalously ill-equipped comrades had bravely tried to withstand General Guderian’s Panzers as they made their lightning advance through retreating French troops.

Shipped off to Poland with the few remaining survivors of his unit, Douglas Swift endured the hardships and brutalities of several Stalags, before the notorious Death March.

From this review.

With Chatterbox we are on the last book of the Malory Towers series, we also have some of the St Clares books to start and my Mum has bought her some of the Adventure books - these are all by Enid Blyton. I also want to read The Children of Green Knowe because I loved it so much as a child. Chatterbox has just bought with her Christmas money the set of C.S. Lewis stories The Chronicles of Narnia. We're also working our way through Grimm's Fairy Tales - warning these fairy tale versions are rather gruesome! I'd also like to find some good Christian books for Chatterbox. Chatterbox loves the Horrible Histories books too. She loves history, next term they're learning about World War II, so we'll have to pick up some good books about that.

For Squidge, we are reading through all the Mog books, we love the Gruffalo books and will read them again and again and also Stick Man and A Squash and a Squeeze also by Julia Donaldson. For Christian books we LOVE the Lost Sheep books. Squidge loves choosing books from the library, very often with a cat theme, one we recently borrowed that she has read over and over was Scaredy Cat and Boo no doubt I'll have to read that at least another 30 times before we return it! She also LOVES You Choose, so much so it's been banned for a while whilst me and hubs recover!

Exercise
Lots and lots of lovely walks I reckon, I'm not a big fan of jogging or aerobics.

Eating healthier (and perhaps a little more ethically)
More fruit and veg - make sure I and the kiddiwinks get our 5 a day at least (hubs takes tons of fruit to work for snacks so he's OK). I'm not a big fruit eater, I have to remind myself to eat it. I am going to continue to honour my pledge to eat only British pork products (I must admit though I did buy some German Bierwurst, ahem, but hubs likes German sausage because he was born there (another long story) so my pledge is, er, flexible), to try to buy fairtrade when I can, to buy organic (particularly eggs) where I can, to avoid too much junk food. Hubs is on a diet so I need to think about that too when I'm shopping and cooking.

Doing something special with the kiddiwinks - at least once a month
What I mean here is that we will go out as a family on a short trip at least once a month. Of course on a daily basis hopefully I will do fun things with the girls!

Oh, and I forgot, to try and save some money! This recession is going on and on and on...

So there you go...
xxx

Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?

Today is the lesser festival of St Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury in the 12th C, in the Church of England. It is the anniversary of his death on 29th December 1170.

T'other day hubs and I watched a Time Team Special programme about Dover Castle. English Heritage were restoring some of the rooms to how they would have looked in Medieval King Henry II's time. As part of the programme Thomas Becket was mentioned.

Thomas Becket was for some years chancellor and confident of the King. In 1161 the King appointed him Archbishop of Canterbury. Rather than becoming the King's yes-man Becket took his role as Archbishop seriously and resigned from the role of chancellor. After many disagreements over the king's desire to implement Constitutions of Clarendon (in the hope of reducing the Church's control and influence in lawful matters in the ecclesiastical courts - i.e. clergy literally getting away with murder) on 11 October 1164 Thomas Becket was convicted before the Royal Court of contempt of Royal Authority (bizarrely over a piece of land) and malfeasance as Chancellor. Becket and his family (400 dependants!) went into exile in France.

Henry's control over the church and the clergy reached such a point that Pope Alexander III threatened excommunication. In order to placate the Pope the King allowed Becket's return in 1170. However, the King riled Becket's pride by having his son, Henry the Younger, crowned by the Archbishop of York a ceremony which should have been enacted by the Archbishop of Canterbury. So Henry and Becket attempted to reach a 'compromise' - it didn't last. As soon as Becket returned in a fit of pique and to wrest some control back he immediately excommunicated his ecclesiastical enemies and the Archbishop of York.

When news of this reached Henry II he was sick and legend has it that Henry cried out, "Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?". It would seem that four knights took him at his word and travelled immediately to Canterbury. Eyewitness reports stated that they had first hidden their swords and covered their chainmail they tried to convince Becket to return with them to face the King. When Becket refused the knights really got the 'hump' (to use a Delboyism). During Mass the knights stormed the cathedral and Becket was killed gruesomely!

The following is part of the account from Edward Grim a visiting clerk from Cambridge:

…The wicked knight leapt suddenly upon him, cutting off the top of the crown which the unction of sacred chrism had dedicated to God. Next he received a second blow on the head, but still he stood firm and immovable. At the third blow he fell on his knees and elbows, offering himself a living sacrifice, and saying in a low voice, ‘For the name of Jesus and the protection of the Church, I am ready to embrace death.’ But the third knight inflicted a terrible wound as he lay prostrate. By this stroke, the crown of his head was separated from the head in such a way that the blood white with the brain, and the brain no less red from the blood, dyed the floor of the cathedral. The same clerk who had entered with the knights placed his foot on the neck of the holy priest and precious martyr, and, horrible to relate, scattered the brains and blood about the pavements, crying to the others, ‘Let us away, knights; this fellow will arise no more.’

The shock spread throughout Henry's Kingdom and he was declared a murderer. Becket was immediately declared a martyr and three years later was canonised by the Pope. Things also started to go wrong for Henry, his three sons revolted against him, and he put this down to God's displeasure because of Becket. Henry did public penance at Becket's tomb in Canterbury and asked Becket to pray for his soul. After which a hostile Flemish armada which had been heading for England did not attack but returned to Europe. Henry also scored a victory over the Scots. Henry took this to mean that Becket had appropriated forgiveness for his sins.

The collect for today is:

Lord God,
who gave grace to your servant Thomas Becket
to put aside all earthly fear
and be faithful even to death:
grant that we, disregarding worldly esteem,
may fight all wrong, uphold your rule,
and serve you to our life's end;
through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord,
who is alive and reigns with you,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and for ever.

History is fascinating. Those chaps at English Heritage don't know how lucky they are! Click on the Dover Castle link, or go on the virtual tour. You wouldn't believe how colourful those Medieval peeps liked their furniture.