Transition

Our church joined in with a multi-church meeting on Sunday morning.  It was good to see so many Christians together, some many different denominations joined by their corporate love for Jesus. But as I've said recently, I'm not coping well with church.

Someone spoke before we took communion, she talked too long for me, I was lost in the multitude of words. One thing caught me though, I couldn't hear anything else.  I just kept repeating it in my mind, like a mantra to stop me falling into a panic again.

"He was broken so we could be made whole".

"Lord I want to be whole".

Afterwards, wanting a bit of space, I decided to go to the loo.  Squidge wanted to come with me. When we came down again though it was chaos.  All the children were going off to different meeting rooms.

"Primary school age?" I was asked.

"Yes".

"Come with me so that Mummy doesn't have to climb those stairs", said one man to Squidge.

This tips me over the edge. *Panic* I don't know this man.

So I smile and ask Squidge if she's OK, but go with her to the children's meeting room. *Relief* I know some of the children there, Squidge will be fine.

Of course, by the time I get back downstairs to the main meeting I want to run away, but I go back in and find G again.  The preacher talks for a long time.  Something about holiness, something about church unity, something about something.  I can't hear it though, because I'm too much in my head trying to hold it together until he finishes.

Straight afterwards I want to go.  I've got to get out.

"Lord, I can't do this anymore, I can't do church anymore".

We came home and I went and hid in our bedroom and wept.  Why am I like this?  My old church has damaged me so deeply.  I want to rage at them. I want to tell them the pain they've caused me and so so many others.  I want them to understand that people need Jesus, not rules, not following a leader, Jesus!

I can only cope with Jesus right now. Nothing else.

~I am accepted in the Beloved~

Then I read something at (in)courage that has moved me so much, it was like it was written for me right where I am.  I could hear God's quiet voice through the writing..."I am with you."

~ The Middle: When Pushing Through Brings Joy. by Stephanie Bryant~

"Most of us prefer being shot out of our starting blocks for a new adventure. Or rounding the corner to see the finish line with high fives from close friends. It’s the moment we wait for. At the finish we know that the sweat, the mind games, the times we thought it would never happen were well worth it. We finally hear well done.

The middle is the part most us don’t want to talk about. It’s not glamorous. It’s hard.
The middle is the reason most don’t finish.
But the middle is the secret to the joy that seems to elude us.
This is where love is born. . . right in the middle."

Stephanie Bryant then compares this to transition in labour:

The contractions and first stage of labor can last a few hours to almost a day. Then there is a time of transition to second stage. The transition is where most women want to give up. They say ‘It’s too hard. I don’t want to do this. It hurts too bad.’  Crying, emotional meltdowns and even confusion can occur.

I remember transition in both my labours.  You do feel that panic, that confusion - you want to give up.  But when the baby is born...such inexpressible joy.  Such peace floods your soul when that little one is placed in your arms.

~I'm in transition.~

Leaving that church last year was painful, but I felt anticipation.  Anticipation for the path that the Lord had set before me.  I could see it ahead.  A little like a mother knowing that she is expecting but there is no obvious physical evidence that she is pregnant, but knowing that there is something amazing to look forward to.  I've had my ups and downs throughout, but right now I feel I can't do it anymore.

~I'm in transition.  Joy is within reach.~

My scars run so deep.  So much deeper than I thought they did.  God has taken away so much rubbish.  Shown me the lies I was taught.  Each layer peeled back revealed more nonsense, more bad teaching that needed to be undone.  Until there is almost nothing left, and I am exposed, I feel bereft.  I feel like a institutionalised prisoner who has suddenly been given freedom and he's terrified.  He hated prison, but it was the known and now he's out in a world that is so changed and he feels lost.

~I'm in transition.  Joy is around the corner.  Just start pushing.~

I must press on.  I might suffer through it.  But suffering can be good.  It makes you understand.

~Just keeping on pushing~

I'm in transition.  It's not forever.  I can do it because He is with me.  "...a man of suffering, and familiar with pain".  No one has ever suffered like Him.  Jesus is with me.  Jesus is with you.

~Immanuel~

God with us.

Crises

Storm at Sea, Flickr

"I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship."
~Louisa May Alcott

Crises come.  The storms rage.  Such is life.  All part of living in a fallen world.  But God is the light that shines in the darkness, like a lighthouse.  He allows us charge of our own ships - he never forces his ways upon us - but he guides us, not by domination but by love.  Like the Eastern shepherd he leads and his sheep follow, he never drives like the Western shepherd, with frightened sheep running.

The reason I write these things is because I want to reassure myself that God isn't like a dominating authoritarian figure that demands obedience and threatens rejection, but instead draws us in love.

I'm a bit tender right now.  We left our church at the beginning of last week.  I've been there since I was four.

Some very painful things have happened.

If my posts seem a bit weebly (is that a word? if it isn't it should be), you may now understand why.

I wanted to delete loads of posts.  Everything that smacked of indoctrination and which I felt didn't show the real Jesus I wanted to delete.  But I'm a bit raw and might have got carried away, so I stopped.

You'll be patient whilst I make this adjustment won't you?